Emmaville Store, circa 1969

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Just Another Day in Emmaville

Mary, our cook, noticed on the way to work this morning a number of brightly colored pieces of cloth along the road from her house.  Much speculation ensued amid the daily coffee klatsch in the Emmaville Store as to the meaning of these signs.  Were they flags for the snowmobile trail?  Was it an art installation? The morning regulars found it very curious indeed.

During the second pot of coffee, while the mystery was still being discussed, neighbor Dave brought in one of the items. Driving along County 4, he had found a rather sturdy brassiere, size 48DD (see photos for additional detail). Encouraged by the the excitement this caused among the coffee drinkers (a clue!), Dave volunteered to gather the remaining items scattered along Holly Road.  Upon his return and after careful examination, these were determined to be several other pieces of ladies intimate apparel of a size corresponding to the size of the brassiere. We will not described them further or include any photographs out of discretion. However, you could say the group was getting to the bottom of this mystery.

Our morning coffee bunch, as a whole, are nice people and when discussing their neighbors, usually like to keep things positive.  Therefore, the initial hypothesis regarding the scattered garments reflected their well-meaning discussion. Perhaps a local woman had finally conquered her chronic weight issue, and celebrated by throwing her old bloomers out the car window on the way to Bemidji to shop for new intimate wear in a smaller size. This theory was quickly discredited when no one around the table could think of a neighbor who had recently lost a lot of weight. Moreover, the group had earlier discussed all their neighbors' recent comings and goings.  A shopping trip to Bemidji certainly would not have escaped notice.

After the coffee klatsch broke up and left the store, our staff, having nothing better to do because business is so slow, continued the speculation and came up with an alternate theory. Clearly the triggering event was a woman's underwear drawer traveling the local roads at a high rate of speed, thus distributing these colorful rayon frilleries randomly throughout the neighborhood.  This suggests a woman may have been moving her household. As is customary in this area, this relocation likely involved a pickup truck and used back roads so as to avoid scrutiny of the unsecured load by law enforcement.   Because the items were scattered far and wide, this was likely a pickup that had been 'lifted', i.e., modified to accommodate rather large wheels and tires. These trucks are quite common here, often seen traveling at excessive speeds along country roads with young males at the wheel. Reviewing the entire body of evidence, the group theorized the operator in question was likely a son-in-law, one who was drafted to help move his mother-in-law on a day when he would have preferred hanging with his buddies.

Unfortunately, there is not much more to go on, and the investigation may be at an end. Unless additional clues are forthcoming, we will not likely be able to return the garments to their rightful owner.  However, we will retain them here at Emmaville in the event a neighbor inquires. Due to unseasonably warm weather this winter, the local roads are not frozen as usual but are somewhat muddy. Therefore, the items will require laundering but otherwise are in fine shape. They can be claimed here at the Emmaville Store, where they are being kept safely and discreetly behind the bar.