Position Available

Emmaville Store, LLC has a position available, as follows:

TITLE: Local Character

DUTIES & SCHEDULE:

5 am-8 am, Monday through Sunday:  regardless of weather, open the store, chat up the Wonewok guy, bring in and assemble newspapers, count previous day's papers and record returns, make coffee, greet owners when they crawl out of bed, eat a big breakfast, visit with the regulars, make more coffee.  Go "make your bed".

9 am - noon: scoop dog doo, rake pine needles, check and empty garbage cans, pick up litter, inspect the property and identify maintenance needs, sweep the front steps, strip beds in motel rooms after checkout, pick up tools that owners forgot to put away, play with dogs, perform other duties unknown to owners but essential, make more coffee.

Noon - 1 pm: LUNCH BREAK (Note: lunch provided, usually the special, or "whatever you got, not too much now.")

1 pm - 6 pm: ask if you should make more coffee, refill towels and toilet paper in the bathrooms, "make a deposit", hold down 2nd barstool from the right, spot incoming gas customers and hit the green button, watch the Weather Channel and nod off frequently.

6 pm - 7 pm: DINNER BREAK:  comment about portions being too large, but clean your plate anyway and have room for pie.

7 pm - 9:30pm: watch Twins game.  Sweep, take out trash and recyclables, empty and clean coffee pots. If the Twins are behind, retire early to bed. If the Twins are still in the game, watch until complete, including extra innings if necessary.


EXPERIENCE REQUIRED:

Conversationalist: strike up conversation with every customer who walks through the door. Must have glib  responses at the ready, for example:
Customer: "how you doing?"
You: "oh, pretty good for the girls I go with."

Weather observer: observe and provide commentary on the weather to anyone within earshot, monitor the Weather Channel and maintain a secret crush on a weather lady

Historian: recite details of Emmaville history, including quotes from Cal, but don't remember any names

Storyteller: tell stories about fishing on the Rainy River, working for the same company for forty years, serving your country in the Aleutians during WWII

Handyman:construct tools and make repairs using duct tape, broom handles or whatever is at hand; assist with repairs by holding the item being repaired by hand or with a shovel, stick, etc. or holding the flashlight, even during the daytime.

Maître de: arrange tables and chairs, pour ice water, provide condiments and bus tables with grace and decorum on busy Sunday mornings

Stock-boy: assist with stocking of shelves when the grocery truck comes in, place items in their designated location or randomly wherever their is space

Baseball commentator: provide analysis and color commentary, based on your 80 years of watching the game, during Twins games, especially regarding the managerial skills of Ron Gardenhire and the consistency of Joe Mauer at not swinging at a perfectly good first pitch.

WAGE: None, except all the ice cream and homemade pie you can eat

Emmaville Store, LLC strives to provide equal opportunity in employment, but only gracious, friendly and genuine older gentlemen need apply.

One of a Kind

Clayton Severtson

June 2, 1922-April 21, 2014